I Will Never Forget The First Time I Heard That Song

Music and Memory in Grief
Music is a universal language. It reflects the heart and touches the soul. In seasons of grief, it opens a valve to our emotions. That’s why so many people find healing through music.

Each season, I seem to discover a new song that helps me say what my heart is feeling. Especially around the holidays, I find myself listening again and again as I silently cry, “I miss you.”
Here are a few of the songs that have carried me.

The Sweetest Gift (Craig Aven 2016)

In 2018, shortly after Bryan died, I came across The Sweetest Gift by Craig Aven. Christmas had already passed, but I was stuck in time. I played this song on repeat.

I needed something that offered hope. This song did.
Seven years later, I still play it every Christmas season.
There’s a beautiful story behind this song.

“Got your picture in the frame,
And a stocking with your name,
Oh God knows its been hard letting go.
And I can’t bring you back,
But I’ll see you again.
And oh that thought is healing to my soul.
And I’ll miss making Angels with you in the snow.
I guess instead you will be singing with them all around the throne.

‘Cus You’re with the Son of God,
You’re with the Prince of Peace.
You’re with the One we’re celebrating,
And that thought amazes me.
Sometimes I still break down,
grieving that we’re apart,
But the sweetest gift is knowing where your are.
You’re with the Son of God.”

Christmas In Heaven (Christmas With Scotty McCreery 2012)

In 2022, I began thinking more about what Bryan might be experiencing in Heaven.

People often say they sense a loved one’s presence—maybe through a cardinal, a scent, or a moment. I tried to feel that, but I couldn’t.

Then I heard Christmas in Heaven. And it made me smile.
It reminded me that Bryan is in the best place—he’s with Jesus.
The lyrics begin…

“December hasn’t changed,
This town looks the same,
They still light that tree in the city square,
There’s red, white, and green shining everywhere,
And I wish you were here
And I wonder

Is the snow falling down on the streets of gold
Are the mansions all covered in white,
Are you singing with angels silent night,
I wonder, what Christmas in Heaven is like.”

A Different Kind of Christmas This Year (Christmas with Mark Schultz 2014)

As time passes, the number of empty seats at the table grows. In 2022, I lost my mom.

Her death came after years of slowly declining health. Like many others, I experienced a gradual loss—grieving her abilities before she was truly gone.

When she passed in late summer, I didn’t think much about the holidays. But as Thanksgiving and Christmas approached, the absence hit me.

My mom wasn’t perfect. None of us are. But she loved deeply. She did her best to help everyone feel seen and loved.

“There’s one less place set at the table;
One less gift under the tree;
And a brand new ache to take their place inside of me.
I’m unwrapping all these memories,
fighting back the tears,
It’s just a different kind of Christmas this year.

Now there’s voices in the driveway,
Families right outside the door,
And we’ll try to make this Christmas like the one’s we’ve had before.
As we gather round the table,
I see joy on every face,
And I realize what’s still alive is the legacy you made.”

Jealous of the Angels (Jenn Bostic 2011)

In 2023, a new song touched something deep in my soul.

The melody was haunting. The story behind it stayed with me.
Jenn Bostic wrote of music’s power, and I felt every word.

While I don’t believe we become angels when we die, I do believe what Scripture says—that to be absent from the body is to be present with the Lord.

Someday, I will worship around the throne with my boys, my parents, and my grandparents. This song points me toward that hope.

“I didn’t know today would be our last,
Or that I’d have to say goodbye to you so fast,
I’m so numb, I can’t feel anymore,
Prayin’ you’d just walk back through that door.

And tell me that I was only dreamin’,
You’re not really gone as long as I believe.

There will be another angel,
Around the throne tonight,
Your love lives on inside of me,
And I will hold on tight,
It’s not my place to question.
Only God knows why,
I’m just jealous of the angels,
Around the throne tonight.”

Reflection

I imagine you have your own playlist of songs that speak to your grief.
As the holiday season draws near, I pray you put those songs on repeat. Let the words wash over your sorrow. Let Christ sing over you.
Merry Christmas.