August 22nd will be my son’s 21st birthday. It should be a time of celebration, but not this year. Or ever again. You see, Bryan has spent his last four birthdays in Heaven.
On the morning of December 16, 2017, we were making plans for the holidays, Christmas shopping online, and preparing for the upcoming wedding of our oldest daughter Robin. Late that afternoon, my life changed forever. What started as an evening with friends turned into a nightmare as we discovered our 16-year-old son, Bryan, hung in the shower. I can remember it like yesterday. I was sitting on the couch, writing Christmas cards and watching a Christmas movie. My husband came in from shopping to discover Bryan was still in the shower. Moments later, we found him dead. I will never forget our futile efforts to perform CPR, watching paramedics rush in to do what they could to revive Bryan, and speaking to the police offer as they took Bryan to the hospital.
Where do I go from here? This part of my story is written. I can’t change that. So what will I do? Join me as I explore the question. Each day, I choose whether I will struggle with the emptiness of my story or accept that I “can’t change that.” My life can still be whole, but it will be different. I pray these words and the stories to follow will bring hope as you step into your own story and your loss.
Reflection:
- What event in your life do you desperately wish you could change?
- Where are you on the spectrum of brokenness and “I can’t change that”?
Even though my loss is different, slowly losing the person you loved for 50 years is hard too. Life does change forever but it does go on. I could not have been on this journey without Jesus in my life. Slowly I am heading down a new path with tears and with smiles.
Your loss is so deep, and I am so sorry. Thank you for sharing your heart so others can learn from and be challenged by what we cannot change. Your thoughtful questions give necessary recognition to what we cannot change while helping to coax us forward thoughtfully into the “what now”. I look forward to reading more of your journey.
What a beautiful tribute to Bryan. I honor your transparency, authenticity, courage and desire to work with what is to help others. You have dug deep to meet others where they are as a companion on the grief journey. May you, and all who cross your path find hope, strength, and a deep knowing of God’s love and strength for each new day.
On May 30, 2008 our first grandchild died at 21 weeks, and a stillbirth followed three days later at Baylor Hospital in Dallas. Our oldest daughter was a student at Texas State University in San Marcos, Texas. When she called to tell me she was pregnant I can’t say I was shocked, not because of her lifestyle, but I believe that God had been preparing me in advance to hear the news. She told me that she had thoughts of having an abortion, even though she knew I volunteered at a pro-life clinic. But she said that when she saw his little heart beating she knew she couldn’t do it. We had to move her back home because of her severe morning sickness. That’s when she told me she had been date raped by a man who was at least 15 years older than her, and that he had hoped she would get pregnant. It was devastating for our family. Anyway, my “can’tchangethat” was Everette Mitchell Williams’ death that hit us without warning. Today he would be 13 years old, the same age as his cousin. Since his death God has blessed us with 5 beautiful granddaughters, ages 13, 11, 9, 6, and almost 2. But I’ll never, ever forget our only grandson. I look forward to the day we meet in heaven.