Growth In Loss: Loss Can Trigger Loss, But It Doesn’t Have To

“Loss triggers loss. If you don’t learn the art of helpful grieving now, future losses will compound – and continue to derail you.” Rebuild, week 6

Remembering when

When it comes to child loss, my first experience came at 20 weeks of pregnancy. I was pregnant with my 3^rdchild and went in for my “normal monthly check” when they discovered nothing was “normal” about it. There was no heartbeat. My world crashed in around me. I found out I was having a boy and that he was gone, all in a matter of moments. Darkness overtook me as I waited three days to deliver my long-anticipated son, David Michael. I had naively thought pregnancy resulted in a live birth. Yet it is estimated that as many as 26% of all pregnancies end in miscarriage. That is one out of 4 pregnancies. I KNEW the statistics. I work for a pregnancy clinic. What I didn’t know is it could happen to me.

That was 24 years ago today. I still remember going to the hospital to deliver my first son. Each nurse who came into my room would attempt to prepare my husband and me for what lay ahead. I begged God to make this nightmare go away.

I remember being induced, waiting through the night for the inevitable delivery of my precious boy. And the feeling of him leaving my body without a sound except the cries of my heart. And I remember holding him, with his tiny finger on the tip of mine, just as I had with both of my girls. They would never meet their brother, David, as it seemed cruel to introduce death into their young lives. Only my husband and my mom would hold him and acknowledge his entrance into the world. That is NOT a reflection of family and friends in our lives, only my willingness to let them in.

Learning from

A concept taught in Rebuild is: “Loss triggers loss. If you don’t learn the art of helpful grieving now, future losses will compound and continue to derail you.”

If I could do it all again, I would. I would have embraced the gift of each precious nurse who stepped into our room and shed the tears I choked back. I would have taught my girls that each life is precious and our days are numbered, even in the womb, so treasure each one. When it comes to friends and family, I would have cried on their shoulders and allowed them to mourn with us instead of in silence. I would have had a service to celebrate David Michael’s life instead of writing it off as 19.5 weeks and too overwhelming to handle. I would have sought help for the depression that became my constant companion in the years that followed. 

The good news is that, eventually, David’s death led to change. I recognized that shutting people out and keeping feelings inside wasn’t healthy, so when Bryan died, things were different. 

Happy Birthday in Heaven, David Michael! I hope you are kicking a ball with your brother, Bryan Marcus, and hanging out with your Mimi. I’m one day closer to meeting you.