Part Two
As you drive through the holidays, you not only face speedbumps (things you can anticipate may be headed your way) and potholes (things you don’t see coming) but there are other drivers on the road. Every driver you pass is on a journey as well. Each can potentially cause a challenge for you to arrive safely at your destination. So, avoid one and embrace the other.
Avoid this…Road Rage
We’ve all been driving down the road and seen drivers overreact to being cut off. It is called road rage. Road rage is the violent anger caused by the stress and frustration involved in driving a motor vehicle in difficult conditions.
When it comes to grief, overreactions are common. It almost makes sense. Our capacity to manage life is pretty small. At the holidays, we are already overwhelmed with things to do, so capacity is even smaller. Counselors may call it your “window of tolerance.” Be alert for overreactions and give each other grace.
I will never forget our First Thanksgiving after Bryan died. I was looking forward to having both of my girls home. Robin, my oldest, called to ask if they could bring their dog with them. I knew my husband, Marcus, would not be excited. He didn’t care for dog hairs that come with a dog in the house. Trying to care for him well, I thought it was best to get his “buy-in” before saying yes. He apparently had no calms about saying no. It might inconvenience him. I, on the other hand, was devastated at the prospect of not having my family together. No place for the dog would mean no place for Robin and Luke. I had a full meltdown as I ran off the cemetery to cry and complain to God and yell at Marcus. I felt like I had lost Bryan all over again. Why couldn’t my husband see how important this was for me? Why couldn’t he do it “just because I needed it”?
Now, in case you worry, the story did have a happy ending. He did finally agree to them staying ONE night with the dog. But the way I felt in the midst of our pain, that could have been a divorceable offense. And all that happened before we ever got to Thanksgiving dinner.
Employ this… BE A GAPER
Ever head down the highway and notice people coming up on an accident showdown, even if they are on the other side of the road? Those are Gapers. They slow down traffic to “gap” at the accident. Traffic gapers can be annoying, but it is a pretty common response to seeing an accident.
Peculiar analogy, but the invitation is for you to become a “grief gaper”. Look for others who are ahead of you on the journey. Those who are past the “pile up” stage where you might find yourself. Listen to their story. Ask them what has been helpful to them. You might even ask what HAS NOT helped. I would be willing to bet the time is filled with laughter and tears.
I am a big believer in building relationships with others on the grief journey. I first met a group of bereaved moms who were part of a ministry called Hope Dawning the summer after Bryan died. I was raw. That summer, they offered a 4-week Sunday School class at Lakepointe Church. I went, not knowing a soul. I will never forget standing outside the door, scarred to walk in because I was on the verge of tears just thinking about walking into the room. And I ran out the door as soon as they closed in prayer. I was a deer in the headlights. As I was getting ready for the one-year anniversary of Bryan’s death, I was trying to practice a few things I had learned in grief work. I got the courage to reach out to Cathey and Susan, two of the ladies who began the ministry, and ask them to go to coffee. I am sure I came across as interrogating them. But they were so gracious to share their stories and things they did that were helpful and not helpful. In reality, they weren’t that much further down the road, Susan 2 years, and Cathey 4 years. But I saw them doing something with their pain to help others grieve, so I wanted to learn from them. And they were MORE THAN WILLING to speak into my pain and share their experiences. I believe that is true of many mamas. They don’t want their pain to go to waste. They want to be helpful. They are waiting for someone to ask.
Reflection:
Can you relate to a grief rage experience? Anything you could have done to avoid it or limit the damage? Anyone you might need to go back to or apologize to for blowing up at them?
Consider those around you. Are there any gapers in your life? Who is someone you have noticed who is progressing through their grief in helpful ways? How might you approach them to ask for help?
