Part One
The holidays are a complicated part of life in the midst of grief. Holiday festivities and holiday grief don’t usually mix well. Families gathering around a Christmas tree and someone missing are awkward. What are some tips to help “drive through the holidays” with as minor damage as possible? When it comes to hard days and holidays, beware of speedbumps and potholes.
Speedbumps
I know it is a word-picture and might be silly, but go with me here. If you think about a speed bump, they are forseeable changes. It is usually well-marked. A sign typically warns you it is coming. It is put there intentionally to “slow you down.” And if you ignore the sign, it will cause damage to your car.
As you head into the holidays, there are signs everywhere telling you it is coming. You know it will be different this year – you are missing your loved one. Plan. What will you do? What needs to change this year? What new tradition might you add? What new memories can you make?
As we came up on the anniversary of Bryan’s death, friends further down the road encouraged me to make a plan. Get away. Do something as a family. Do something different. We decided to get away to a cabin in the woods. The “bonus” of the anniversary of Bryan’s death is it is also my new son in laws birthday. We planned to be together, play games, celebrate, make new memories, and take time to remember Bryan. My friends also encouraged me NOT to do it all myself. Involve others in the planning. It all fell together beautifully. Our community group actually put together some meals for us to take with us and put in the oven or crock pot. Lots of snacks included.
A friend from work paid for us to enjoy an escape room one day, which we used to celebrate Luke’s birthday. And Robin, my oldest daughter, came up with the idea of having a Mario Cart tournament in honor of Bryan. She even bought little Japanese soda bottles with marbles in the bottle. It was a Bryan thing. I was disappointed everyone didn’t want to talk about their feelings, but I probably had enough feelings for all of us.
Potholes
Now, we’ve talked about speedbumps, but what about potholes? Unlike a speed bump, which is a foreseeable challenge, a pothole is an unforeseeable challenge. You don’t see it coming until you’re right on top of it! By then, the damage is done.
What about grief potholes? The same applies when we hit a grief pothole. We will get caught off guard by things you didn’t see coming. You can’t avoid it or plan for it. When we hit the pothole, we have to stop, inspect the damage, and make repairs so we can safely continue on our journey.
A few months after Bryan died, I was on a mission to “wrap up business.” He was a sophomore in High School and had a computer and choir uniforms to return to school. I thought I would return the items and say thank you to his school counselor or principal for their support.
As I walked into the office, the person at the desk asked what I needed, and I burst into tears. I tried to explain I was returning my child’s things and wanted to say hello to the principal, but I am pretty sure they didn’t understand a word I said. Somehow, I got out who these items belonged to and ran out the door. Tears flowing, I am not sure how I managed to drive home without getting in an accident. There was no telling what the people in the office thought. Did they even know my son or what had happened?
In the midst of this pothole, I had to give myself space to cry, releasing that pent-up emotion. I needed a nap, a good meal, and time with friends who listened to my story. Having someone bear witness to my story helped validate the heartbreak I felt. And in my case, I needed to spend some time with the Lord and allow Him to comfort my broken heart—all helpful things in the midst of grief.
Footnote: The “speedbumps” and “potholes” analogy comes from of Willowcreek Rebuild.
