We all grieve differently because we are all different. External factors such as gender, age, and personality are often noted. But what other factors come into play? What affects how we might view the death of a loved one or how those around us view their death? How might the type of death, the type of relationship with the person, and previous experiences with the death affect our ability to grieve?
Types of Death
There are many types of deaths. Some types of expected, like aging spouses, parents, and grandparents. Others are unexpected, like accidents, overdoses, suicides, homicides, heart conditions, or other sudden illnesses. Some are easily explained and socially acceptable. Others tend to carry guilt and shame. Being able to talk about the death without feeling responsible is essential in the healing process.
Types of Relationship
The relationship we have with a person who passes away can significantly impact how we perceive their death. Our closeness to the family member or friend who passes away can determine the extent of the impact that their absence has on our lives. When a person who is close to us dies, it can lead to significant changes in our daily routine and lifestyle.
It’s essential to keep in mind that losing the same person is not the same for every member of the family. Each person has a different relationship with the person who passed away, which shapes their grieving process. Accepting that everyone in the family will grieve differently is a crucial part of the learning curve. It’s essential to let everyone do what they need to do to get through this challenging period.
Losing your spouse means the remaining spouse has to “do it all.” Perhaps having to learn to pay bills or learning to care for the home? And learning to do life alone can be disorienting. Losing a child leaves a hole as the death is “out of order.” Parents aren’t supposed to bury their child of any age. And dreams for that child’s future vanish. Losing a parent or grandparent means losing your past. They have been there all our lives. How do you manage family events or daily/weekly check-ins without them? Who do you call when something good or something terrible happens?
Losing a close friend can leave feelings of emptiness as well. Losing a close friend or mentor, especially when you are young, can leave you confused with nowhere to turn. For married couples, losing one member of the couple can leave you and them feeling like you lost a relationship with both, as you don’t know how to relate to them without a spouse. As you get older, it can feel like a cycle of loss as you bury one friend after another.
And then there is the added dynamic of how close you were to the loved one when they died. Unresolved issues can no longer be resolved. Resolutions to “stay more connected” are forever lost when the loved one is gone. Words left unsaid stay unsaid forever.
Previous Experiences with Death
Finally, it’s essential to consider the impact of previous experiences when dealing with the loss of a loved one. For some, their first experience with death may have been the loss of a pet or grandparent. Others may have experienced multiple losses, which can compound the grief. It’s essential to assess your resilience in these situations, as having multiple deaths doesn’t necessarily mean you’ve fully processed the loss. Learning to process death can lead to healthy coping skills and make it easier to bounce back from future losses.
Reflection:
What type of death are you processing? Any guilt or shame you need to process that comes with that loss?
What was your relationship with the person that died? How does that affect your grief process?
What are your previous experiences with the death of a loved one? Had you taken time to grieve those losses, or did you ignore them?
