Grief is complicated. That might be an understatement. We come into grief with perceptions of how it is supposed to work, but what do we base those perceptions upon? Perhaps as you read some common myths about grief, you will find ones you believe. Maybe it is time to take another look at those beliefs.
#1 Myth: It will get better with time
The truth is that time doesn’t make things better. It is what you do with the time that will make it better. You have to take the time you need to grieve the loss and do helpful things during that time.
#2 Myth: Talking about those who die will upset their loved ones.
The truth is that having someone you love forgotten and no longer spoken of is often a great fear for those who lose a close friend or family member. They often WANT to talk and hear about the person. Don’t be afraid to bring them up and share stories.
#3 Myth: There is a timeframe for healthy grief
The truth is it would be AWESOME if there were a linear model you could follow to grieve someone you lost. It isn’t that simple. When you love someone deeply, that emptiness may be felt for years. Turn off the clock for yourself and others. It doesn’t work that way.
It can take six to nine months to recover emotionally after the loss of a child to miscarriage (Norman H Wright). The loss of a parent can last one to five years. It can take 6 to 10 years for couples to stabilize after the loss of a child (Norman H Wright). The death of a spouse ranks at the top on the life events scale as the highest level of stress.
#4 Myth: The first year of grief is the hardest.
The truth is for many people, the first year rough. Others find the 2nd or 3rd year harder. How is that possible? Many factors contribute to that. In the first year, you are often numb and don’t experience the full effect of the loss. If you don’t process the loss in the first year, it will still be in the years to follow. Each year, there are new reminders of what you are missing. Don’t expect others or yourself to “check it off the list” in one year.
#5 Myth: Grief is something you have to do alone.
The truth is that everyone’s grief is their own, but it isn’t something you have to do alone. In fact, we need people around us to help us, encourage us, and love us through heartache. Talking to someone who understands your particular loss, meeting with those who are further down the road, joining a support group that offers resources for healthy grief, and seeking help from professional counselors are just a few resources available to you.
Conclusion
We are all different and need different things in the midst of grief. Ask for what you need. Lean into your support system. Keep moving forward. And please know that while you may think you are going crazy, you aren’t.
