A significant aspect of how we process grief is what kind of support system we have in our lives. Our support system is affected by different aspects that may include stage of life, personality, and community.
Stage of Life
When we are young, parents are a natural part of a child’s support system. Parents have the task of managing their grief and trying to support and guide their children. Sometimes, that support is at the expense of their grief.
As young adults, friends are the natural support system. They may fight parents caring for them as they struggle to become adults. Friends may have little or no experience with death and not know how to support each other. Tolerance for grief may be short-lived.
For middle-aged adults, their spouse is the natural partner. They often find their way through grief as they take turns burying a parent. They may be grateful they don’t have to manage alone, and they may assume their spouse needs what they need. That would be a poor assumption in many cases.
What about seniors? The assumption is they have grief figured out. Who is their natural partner? When they lose their spouse, that natural partner is gone. Sometimes, their children fill that role. But even adult children don’t understand the hole the loss of a spouse leaves.
Personality
We all have what my friend Vanita Halliburton Briley calls a “people number.” (there is actually science behind this). It’s like a sleep number for mattresses, but it’s a number that describes your need—or tolerance—for being with people versus being alone. An extrovert might have a People Number of 10—they like to be with people all the time, and they need conversation and companionship. On the other hand, an introvert might really crave solitude, time to do things that are best enjoyed alone. They need time to think, work, reflect, create, room to breathe.
Community
We were created to live in the community. Community is found in neighborhoods, schools, teams, clubs, and churches, to name a few. Our lives overlap as we experience joys and sorrows. We bear witness to what those around us face and must choose how we will engage with them. Personally, as a Christ follower and an extrovert, one of the most significant sources of comfort I have is a community of believers who love me, lift me in prayer, and encourage me that I will see my son again. Our community can also help us remember.
Community Lived Out
I will be forever grateful for the way “Community” has helped our family know Bryan is not forgotten. When Bryan died, he was actively involved in the Youth at Church. Many students had been affected and needed a way to remember. We had taken family pictures two weeks prior to Bryan’s death, and the theme had been flannel. A cropped photo of Bryan in his flannel shirt served as the “lasting image” of Bryan for the funeral, memorial service, and beyond.
Coming up on the first anniversary of Bryan’s death, the sick feeling of my son being forgotten was playing out loud in my head. On the Sunday around December 16th, his small group leader spread the word to wear flannel to remember Bryan. They took photos and posted them on Facebook to let us know Bryan had not forgotten. There were friends from bible study, youth group, church staff, community group, and even friends at work and out-of-town friends who joined in the remembrance. We had not been to church as we planned to be away as a family to remember Bryan. Seeing those posts and getting photos from friends blew me away and calmed my fears. It was a gift of God through the hands and feet of Christ in our lives.
Six years later, our community still commemorates Bryan’s death by wearing flannel on the anniversary. The act is not just for Bryan but for ourselves. What about you? Do you have that kind of support?
