The holiday season is full of landmines for those in the midst of grief. I will never forget our first Thanksgiving after Bryan died. I was looking forward to having both of my girls home. Robin, my oldest, called to ask if they could bring their dog. I knew my husband, Marcus, would not be excited. He didn’t care for dog hairs that come with a dog in the house. Trying to care for him well, I thought it was best to get his “buy in” before saying yes. He apparently had no calms about saying no. I, on the other hand, was devastated at the prospect of not having my family together. No place for the dog would mean no place for Robin and Luke.
I had a full meltdown as I ran off the cemetery to cry and complain to God and yell at Marcus. I felt like I had lost Bryan all over again. Why couldn’t my husband see how important this was for me? Why couldn’t he do it “just because I needed it”? The way I felt in the midst of our pain could have been a divorceable offense.
Not a rational response to a disagreement, but the disagreement wasn’t the issue. The issue was the meaning I had attached to it – losing another child because my family wouldn’t be together for Thanksgiving. The issue was also my ability to absorb disappointment. Emotions can be difficult to regulate as it takes everything you have to manage daily tasks. Counselors call that your window of tolerance.
Perhaps you can relate. What can you do to manage landmines?
- Expect landmines – You may not know when it will come, but you can expect they will come. Simply being aware can help prepare your heart.
- Have a plan to deal with landmines – a variety of mindfulness exercises can calm down your nervous system when triggers arise. Intentional breathing, 5-4-3-2-1 Grounding exercise and Butterfly Hugs are a great place to start.
- Practice good self-care – Get a good night’s sleep, drink plenty of water, and go for a walk. All things that keep your immune system up.
- Turn to your community – It is easy to feel alone in the midst of grief. We are created to need one another. If you don’t already friends or family you can to turn, it is time to build those relationships. If you have those relationships, lean into them. Plan a coffee or walk with a friend so you can talk about what is going on. That will allow for pent up tension to release and landslides less devastating.
You can’t avoid all landslides, but you don’t have to be taken out.
