Stepping Into a New Language – Learning to Speak Grief

Over the past seven years, my grief journey has become like learning a second language. I now see almost everything through the lens of before and after the death of my son. Learning to speak this language in ways that bring healing has been a long, tender process.

So, how have I learned to “speak grief”? Through an amazing grief support group called Rebuild: Finding Life After Loss. It has been such a source of help and hope for me. Over the next several weeks, I’ll be sharing reflections from each session of Rebuild. My hope is that these insights will encourage and steady you along your own journey of coping with loss.

Rebuild is full of powerful one-liners, but none has shaped me more than this guiding principle from session one:

“Everything is normal. Not everything is helpful. Do helpful things.”

Everything is normal…

In the midst of deep grief, it can feel like you’re losing your mind. Emotions hit hard. Your body, mind, and spirit all ache. No two people experience grief the same way, even when mourning the same loss.

I once expected grief to be a logical sequence. It seemed similar to Elisabeth Kübler-Ross’s well-known Five Stages of Grief. I believed it would eventually lead me to “move on” to something bigger and better. Nothing could be further from the truth. Instead, grief has been a winding, unpredictable road filled with milestones both painful and meaningful.

Not everything is helpful in coping with loss…

When grief overwhelms us, it’s natural to cope in ways that don’t always serve us well. Maybe some of these sound familiar:

• Isolating – avoiding friends and loved ones who want to support us.
• Medicating – leaning on prescriptions, alcohol, or numbing behaviors instead of processing our pain.
• Avoiding – pretending the loss didn’t happen, pushing feelings down, or burying ourselves in busyness.
• Distracting – overindulging in entertainment, shopping, social media, gaming, or constant travel.
• Blaming – turning grief into anger at others, ourselves, or even God; living in “if only” scenarios.

These coping patterns may bring short-term relief, but they rarely bring long-term healing.

Do helpful things.

Pastor Wayne Cordeiro once said, “Suffering will change you—but not always for the better. You have to choose that.” Doing helpful things is about making intentional choices to care for your body, mind, heart, and soul. It’s choosing to step into your grief in manageable moments and letting yourself feel what you feel—so you can heal.

My dear friend Donna DaCosta teaches the first Rebuild session. She compares learning to grieve to training a puppy. “It’s messy and exhausting. But with time, it can bring unexpected joy.” That’s the hope I cling to—and the hope I invite you to share.

Reflection Questions

• What does your grief journey look like right now?
• What unhelpful coping patterns do you notice in your life?
• How open are you to trying more helpful things?

An Invitation

If you’re in a season of grief, I encourage you to seek support. A grief support group can be a lifeline in the healing process. If you’re in the North Dallas/Collin County area, please join us for Rebuild. We meet at Woodcreek Church in Richardson, TX. Or look for a nearby GriefShare group or a support group specific to your loss. For parents, I’ve personally found While We’re Waiting especially meaningful in the journey of finding life after loss.

Not sure if you’re ready for a group? Take this short Grief Readiness Assessment. You may find it a helpful next step.