Embracing Lament: Cultivating a Heart Skill for Healing

In my last post, Learning to Lament – The Journey to Finding Words for My Grief, I shared how God has patiently woven the theme of lament into my life — through sermons, grief support groups, and unexpected seasons of loss. Each time, I’ve learned more of the language of my pain and discovered how lament bridges sorrow and faith.

This summer, God reminded me again that lament is not just a one-time lesson, but a heart skill I need to return to.

When God Brings the Lesson Back Around

I’ve been reading Hope for My Hurting Heart by Linda Dillow. Guess what one of the “heart skills” is? Write a lament.

My first thought? Are you kidding me? Again? I’ve done that before! But lament isn’t a “check it off and move on” kind of thing.

Loss keeps showing up.

• A trip to my aunt and uncle’s lake house — without Bryan — still hurt.
• A family vacation to the Hill Country — without him — still pinged my heart.
• The birth of a friend’s grandbaby, one of Bryan’s childhood friends, reminded me all over again that I will never hold Bryan’s baby.

Heading into what would have been Bryan’s 24th birthday, I felt the ache rising again. I needed to bring my feelings to God, ask my questions, and feel His closeness to the brokenhearted. Linda’s steps for lament gave me a way to do just that:

• Cry out your complaint
• Choose to remember
• Worship God in His majesty

What Stood Out to Me About Lament

1. Grief takes time and intentionality.
Linda compared Western culture’s “go to the funeral and move on” approach to the Jewish tradition of mourning in four stages:

• Aninut: Pre-burial mourning
• Shiva: Seven days following burial
• Shloshim: Thirty days of mourning
• Yahrzeit: One-year anniversary remembrance

Even a full year doesn’t seem long enough to grieve the loss of a child, but it’s a much healthier start than rushing past it. I want my grief to honor both Bryan’s life and my Savior, Jesus Christ.

2. Grief is not a weakness.
Linda pointed out that while lament is woven all through Scripture, modern churches have often treated expressing doubts or complaints to God as unspiritual. People felt pressure to stay joyful and never show weakness. But she says, “Of course, people today in the twenty-first century don’t realize that our ancestors, wanting to do right, got things very wrong.” Amen.

3. Grief and worship are not opposites.
Michael Card, in A Sacred Sorrow, writes that lament is “worship in a minor key.” That’s what I long for — that my lament would lead me into worship. If lament was only about pouring out my pain, it wouldn’t bring much comfort. But if lament can lead me to worship, then there is hope — hope that comes even through tears.

My Lament: Trying to Understand Your Word

Cry Out Your Complaint
Father, I want to believe You.
I read Your Word —
“You have chosen my portion, my destiny,”
“You lead me to pleasant places” (Psalm 16:5–6).
But the path beneath my feet is rough,
and my heart aches with the weight of loss.
Was this truly the way You chose for me?
The way that meant losing what was most precious — my son?
How can this be called “pleasant”?
How can this be my destiny?

Choose to Remember
Yet I remember —
Your goodness has walked beside me in the shape of friends
who love me well,
who sit with me in the dark without trying to fix the night.
I remember —
the comfort of those who understand the loss of a child,
whose words touch the ache when mine fail.
I have seen beauty rise — fragile and real —
from the ashes of heartache.
You have given me a voice to speak into grief,
a platform to tell my story,
and the miracle of seeing You use it to comfort others.
This is not my doing — this is Your work alone.

Worship God in His Majesty
Holy are You, Lord —
worthy of my worship.
Holy are You, Lord —
worthy of all praise.
High above my pain —
Creator God, I worship You.
High above my questions —
Creator God, I praise You.

Reflection: Writing Your Own Lament

I didn’t write this lament to be beautiful or polished. I wrote it because my heart was heavy, because Bryan’s absence still hurts, and because God invites me to bring my real heart — questions and all — to Him.

The heart skill of lament is something any believer can practice:

• Cry out your complaint honestly.
• Choose to remember God’s past faithfulness.
• Worship Him even when the tears don’t stop.

You can write your lament in a journal, type it into your phone, or whisper it in prayer in the dark. And if you feel ready, share it with someone else. You may find your words become the comfort someone else desperately needs.

Upcoming Event: In Need Of Support

Thanksgiving and Christmas is a wonderful time to be with friends and family, but for those grieving the loss of a loved one, it is full of reminders of who is missing. Perhaps you know this firsthand, or you are walking beside someone who is hurting.

Our speaker this year will be Joan Kelley.  Joan desires to create spaces to help people “connect the dots” on their spiritual journey and find God’s story in the midst of their everyday lives, especially in the midst of grief. Joan is a teacher, speaker, and Spiritual Director from Chicago, Illinois. And she understands firsthand what it means to face the Hard Days & Holidays without someone you love.

Join us on November 17, 2025, from 7-8:30 pm at Woodcreek Church as we explore ways to prepare for the season ahead.