Seven years and four months ago, I entered a new world, the world of child loss. I never would have imagined that what followed would be filled with so many unexpected moments. Moments of tears of sorrow and joy. Moments of deep connection over honest conversations. Moments of gratitude for those who understood and could never understand my heartache.
April 26th, my “community” hosted a special tea for moms and grandmothers who have experienced the loss of a child of any age or stage of life, along with moms in waiting who struggle with infertility. I used the term “my community” to mean my church family, our care director, and grief ministry(Rebuild). This was the second year we hosted the Tea, in which we gave moms the space to share their stories, connect with each other, and find helpful ways to manage our grief.
Finding Hope in Stories
This year, our theme was finding hope in the midst of grief. Victoria Alexander said, “There are three needs of the griever: To find the words for the loss, to say the words aloud, and to know that the words have been heard.” I love the word “need” when describing how significant it is to allow grievers to share their story because healing often comes in others bearing witness to our story. So giving moms a safe place to share brings hope.
Finding Hope in Gifts
Secondly, we gave them a “hope jar.” You may wonder, what is a hope jar? It is a jar of quotes and Bible verses that bring comfort to those who mourn. We didn’t come up with it on our own. You will find countless versions on ETSY, and Pinterest. We did create a version that focused on grieving moms. Our desire was for moms to walk away with something to hold onto and look back at on days when they felt hopeless.
Finding Hope In Making Meaning
Thirdly, we offered hope by encouraging moms to find meaning in the midst of loss. By finding meaning, I don’t mean making losing your child “worth it”. NOTHING would make losing your child “worth it“. I mean making a difference in our world in small and big ways. Angie Rogers, who has been my co-leader in child loss groups, shared her story of making meaning in the loss of her son, Brandon Rogers, by advocating for a recovery program at Texas A&M University. Listening to Angie share, we posed the question, “What do you want your grief to turn into?”
Finding Hope In Speaking Their Name
Fourthly, we offered hope by remembering each child and presented each mom with a white carnation. One of the hardest parts of losing a child is not hearing their name spoken. It was a tender moment to know your child was being acknowledged in a safe space where others didn’t fear your loss being brought up. Carnations, themselves, hold significance. Anna Jarvis, the U.S. Founder of Mother’s Day, describes it this way. ‘Its whiteness symbolizes the truth, purity, and broad charity of mother love; its fragrance, her prayers. The carnation does not drop its petals, but hugs them to its heart as it dies, and so, too, mothers hug their children to their hearts, their mother love never dying.’“
Finding Hope in Music
Finally, we offered hope through music. Music is a universal language of the heart, so it was only right to end our morning with a song. We could have chosen countless songs that tug at your heart, but we chose The Hurt and the Healer by MercyMe. The words of the chorus explain our choice. “I’m alive; Even though a part of me has died; You take my heart and breathe it back to life; I’ll fall into Your arms open wide; When the hurt and the healer collide.”
Hope of a Grateful Heart
I would be remiss if I failed to recognize “those who would never understand” our heartache. Behind the scenes of the event was a group of women(and one man) who had a heart to love and a desire to encourage moms they “knew” and moms they had never met. They organized, decorated, baked, and served for one reason – they felt an invitation from God to do their part. On behalf of each mom present, thank you from the bottom of our hearts.
